Friday, May 26, 2006

the movie within the movie

Don't let the pic mislead you. This is not a movie review. I just saw this flick, which is why I thought it appropriate for this previously unscheduled rant (yes I do schedule my ranting even though I claim they are random) which is very necessary at this point. It almost gets me as mad as "tribal dancing" but let me not take it there and get even more heated! Woo Sah Chichi, Woo Sah! Anyway, for some clarity, this latest rant, like the title indicates, is about the movie within the movie. What do I mean by that? It is with regard to watching a movie at the cinema in Nigeria. It is close to the most annoying experience you will ever undertake. As the director, I would like to welcome you to the World Premier of "the movie within the movie" entitled:

Shut The Kcuf Up!

I hadn't been to the cinema in a minute because there was no special effects laden feature worth going to see and there was no money really. I have now gone twice in less than 48hrs. I went to see MI:3 on Wednesday and X3 today. I had forgotten how irritating going to the cinema in Nigeria was. Oh my good GOD!!! I must confess, when the movie is trash, I don't mind the movie going on around me but when it is absolutely fantastic (neither of these two movies was by the way) or I am trying to make sense of it, I would love for people to hush up!

When we got cinemas back here, all were excited, myself included but there was the "lack of cinema etiquette" factor we overlooked. People just do not know how to act at the movies. It is so bloody irritating. During MI:3, i said "kcuf" so much I couldn't believe it. I was sandwiched by the chatting couples from somewhere worse than hell! By this evening, I had moved on to "kcuf-ing hell" and "oh for kcuf's sake!" It just ain't right!

For X3, there was a not-bad-looking chick next to me and she initiated contact which is always good. She tapped me to ask why there was a dude in the cinema taping us and the movie. I wondered as well when I followed her pointing finger but figured as it was the premiere, the Silverbird folks were taping for turnout to show on their evening news. She could have asked the people she came with but she asked me (and not in an information gathering capacity but in a making-conversation-see-you-outside-the-movie-notice-my-strap-falling-off-my-shoulder-Chichi-is-such-a-pervert kinda way) and I took this as an invite to chat post-movie. However, she committed cinema treason and she was quickly forgotten.

Anyway, it was bad enough that the people around me never stopped talking and kept applauding, ensuring many lines were missed, but the phone thing?


People weren't even trying to duck down and whisper, they were answering and having conversations. KCUF-ING CONVERSATIONS!!! Discussing the movie, juvenile delenquents talking about chicks, popcorn tossing twats and illiterates that had no clue what was going in on in the movie. I lost it when some dude actually JUMPED UP screaming, "THAT'S TOO HARD ABEG!" Give me a kcufing break!"

I guess all the kcufing shows I am really pissed! I am now afraid to write part two of the tribal dance if I can be this angry over the cinema. I apologize but that just really gets my goat! But what am I to do? Where else can I go to get the big screen experience I need for blockbusters? It just isn't fair! They should give us tasers in the cinema to send some volts into the body's of offenders. Actually, that won't work, I know the a-holes will all just start snoring.


I really apologize for my tone and language. It is just so, so upsetting when people don't know how to act. "Hello? Hi, I'm in the cinema. X-Men 3. X-MEN3 oH! Yes. It's correct! You should come and watch it man, for real!"


Chick next to me? She too! Shame. She had no booty anyway!

Bah humbug!

mr. follow follow

(now this is a picture denoting individuality if I ever saw one)

This is a special dedication to those dudes – and dudettes – that don’t realize they were born alone for a reason. Even twins who occupy the same stomach for nine months aren’t born simultaneously; the world is blessed with them one after the other. This is where our strength lies – in our individuality. It is also what makes our world an interesting place to live in; the peculiarities of different individuals across the board. It is about the only thing you really have a right to on earth – your individuality.

Unfortunately, not everyone seems to realize this fact. While some unfairly have their individuality snatched from them (or at least suppressed), others willingly (read: foolishly) offer theirs to someone (or something) else. Some just cannot be their own man. They always tend to need validation from someone else to feel relevant. How ugly is that? Very, you say? Unfortunately, that’s the way the cookie crumbles – with or without the milk. People need to stand their ground and be bold enough to be themselves. For every question, every situation, just because it will please somebody else – at your expense no less – you can’t keep selling yourself short. You can’t always be quick to holler:


I have encountered this man many times. And to be completely honest with myself, I have often been this man. The “yes-man” operates directly or indirectly (which I like to call “on behalf of”); directly being: “the stuffing of one’s face with ‘excrement sandwiches’ directly from the source, right there and then” and the latter being: “the singing of one’s praises when he is neither there nor aware of what you are doing; or who you are even for that matter.” I believe both forms are in equal balance but you never know with people, now do you?

Uncharacteristically (and thankfully, I am sure for most), this will be a rather short blog. I think so because it is basically self explanatory and upon seeing the parameters set, most will understand the angle my rant is coming from and be able to relate to situations around them. No? well I think so. Anyhoo, before I get up and outta here, I will leave you with a few instances of “yesmanism” that have made me wanna hoit (hurt, BK-style for thems wondering) somebody.

Bob Marley & Fela

Now before you nail me to the cross, I am in no way about to disrespect their legacies, significance or memories. They are two of the best that EVER did it. However, let’s be honest. Not everybody that claims to be a fan of these Legends really is. They just follow the crowd because it seems like the thing to do. Being Nigerian (I can’t seem to express this enough in my blogs, right?); I am more exposed to Abami Eda enthusiasts. The beer drinking, weed smoking and sing alonging (let me be, it is a rant) looks so fake with many of these people. When they start expressing their views or perceived theories on Fela’s music, you can’t help but stare in utter disbelief. You can’t help but ask one of my favorite questions: is this dude for real? And the other favorite: are you serious? You just repeated to me – word for word – exactly what the man said and have the comedic expertise to tell me that this is your theory? I know what’s wrong, you clearly haven’t had enough to drink or smoke… crackhead!

Respect to the people the music and messages actually do something for and not these dodo brains. I appreciate these two legends and celebrate their influence and importance. However, I will not come at you acting like some spiritualist that is receiving subliminal messages from them out their graves and hence tout myself as a messenger of these icons. Get the kcuf outta here with that bullshiz!

This behavior also extends to movies like Scarface and The Godfather Trilogy. The fact that every rapper claims to worship the former doesn’t mean you have to as well. Not all of them really like it either; it’s just the “cool” thing to do. Jokers! Then there is the machismo male who will deny loving Titanic. Ok, I admit, this one might just be me reaching out for support since I have seen the movie a million times and the only reason I can give for watching it so much is the tune for “My Heart Will Go On.” Seriously, if you are a dude and you love Westlife, it is okay! Really it is! It is your choice! Who cares if we all (I included) think you’re gay? As long as you know you aren’t (but we really know you are) then let them say.

Be bold to step out as an individual and celebrate your solidarity of self. Okay, that is me feeling smart. After quick dictionary consultation, I see I meant to say solidity and not solidarity but it is my individuality that I chose to put myself on blast like that. I could easily have deleted that to make it seem like my stuff is flawless. Truth, however, is that it ain’t! I cock up just like the next man. Some think I am jobless and retarded for blogging so hard but hey, I choose to and no one said you had to like it; so shove off if you don’t! no one is forcing you.

So be a man soldier! Chin up, chest out, stand at attention and repeat after Nas:

I know I can (repeat)
Be what I wanna be (repeat)
If I work hard at it (repeat)
I’ll be where I wanna be (repeat)